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Maxi Golf/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW Here's the host with the most, in terms of facial hair and creditors, that is, your hero, my uncle, red green! (applause and cheering) hey, harold. Appreciate it. Thank you very much! Well, by golly. You've probably guessed, today is our annual tournament for those of us in the p.G.A., possum golf association. The lodge members will be thwacking their niblicks and swinging their mashies. You guys belong on the links, the missing links. Ha! Ha! Ha! The missing links! I heard you guys were banned from the golf course for life without parole. We played the way the british play golf, where they divide it up into teams. Polo. They played polo on a public golf course. We weren't playing polo. They're on horses. We were on all-terrain vehicles. (horns honking) (geese honking) (quacking) (red): You're lookin' at segments from this particular show, the message being, don't think about changing the channel. To make sense out of this programme, you gotta give it your undivided attention. Even though we've been banned from the possum lake golf and ski club, we're going ahead with our tournament. We were thinking of using the port asbestos institute for the criminally insane. They got that big grassy area. But, the inmates thought it would interfere with their rehab. We'll use a course by the drive-in theatre. What course is that? There's that empty field with old school buses in it. Then there's city hall, the go-kart track, then there's the hospital. After that-- ha! Ha-ha! You're gonna have your tournament at pete's park and putt mini golf! Oh, yes! Well, maybe it's not the masters. But it's flat, it's green, it's got 18 holes. Big whoop -- so does moose thompson's underwear. Big deal. (red): Something special-- oh boy. I was about to say something special this week. Gonna do some glass blowing. He wanted a book from the library. I didn't realize we had a library. There we go. "glass blowing made easy". That's a book that's about glass blowing. Boy, it was a hot day. I'm trying to give him a hint as to how warm I... Bill, I'm kinda warm. If you had any kind of a soft drink-- there we go. Thank you very much. I don't know how cold that will be. Well, that cooled me down a little. Mind you, I was hoping to take it internally. What's going on here, bill? For gosh sakes, he wants to use the bottles. This is an ancient art. You take any kind of glass. I guess he wanted the colour of the bottles. (glass breaking) (cow mooing) oh boy. I think he may have hit elsie the cow with a piece of glass. Anyway, there's another source of glass. These are never problems, they're opportunities. He can get that window glass in there with the bottles and the various other glasses. You want to break them up into the tiny pieces. And just, uh... I'm starting to wonder about bill's ability to grip things. Oh. Now he's added safety glass, which is a good idea with bill. Anyways, hopefully, he's got enough glass. Now he can break that into little pieces. Just use the van any way you want, bill. That's absolutely fine. And you can use any kind of glass you want. What's the matter? Where's your glasses, bill? (laughing) (audience laughing) ♪ oh, all the men up here knew her ♪ ♪ they called her the rose of the lodge ♪ ♪ she had a face of an angel ♪ ♪ and the rear end of a '53 dodge ♪ ♪ oh, the rose of the lodge they called her ♪ ♪ and I'll tell you the reason for that ♪ ♪ her father was bud ♪ ♪ her mom was a climber ♪ ♪ and she had thorns all over her back ♪ ok, today's contestants are playing for a oil, lube and fluid check from stanley's fried chicken. Uncle red, you have 30 seconds to get mr. Humphrey to say this word. "imaginative." and go! All right, dalton. Creative. Sneaky. Someone with original ideas is... Trouble-maker. Bad influence. It's a foreigner. (audience laughing) no -- people who write books and make movies and have art, they're very... Rich. People who see things other people don't see. Delusional. Weird. Sick in the head. Inventive. Smart-alec. Ingenious. Not normal. People buy that crap in your store. They think you're ripping them off. In your mind, you're... Imaginative. There we go! There you go. This week I thought I'd take old man sedgwick's coffee table and restore it to its original condition. Maybe not original condition, but the condition it was in before moose thompson sat on it. (blowing) the problem here is the legs are way too spindly on this, as they are on old man sedgwick. So, I'm going to fix that up. I guess a lot of people would throw that out. But, hey, I'm not a lot of people. I'm barely me. I'm going to turn a new set of legs for that table with this electric lathe. The electric lathe, great for making round stuff, like candlestick holders, swimming pools, hats. Take the wood stock-- well, not woodstock really. And you just fire that in there like that. And you take one of these tools, and shave off anything that isn't round. Like what you do in the shower. Plug her in. Fire her up. (sparking) did I mention to make sure that you centre the wood in the lathe? Mark the centre of each end of the piece of wood using the most accurate device in the handyman's repertoire, your eye. (lathe starting) I'm thinking, hey, if we're gonna make round things out of wood, why not start with a round piece of wood? Surprised you didn't figure that out. Let's have a serious moment about safety. That's a very powerful industrial tool. I'd recommend you get a high-quality safety helmet, some sort of eye shield, safety-goggle type of unit. And thick industrial-strength gloves. These things are important. This is your health at stake. There was one other thing. Can't remember. I guess it wasn't important. Let's get lathing. The tools are over there. (ripping) that was the thing I forgot to mention. Don't wear loose clothing. Ok, let's make table legs. (glass breaking) wrong tool. And, look at that! You've made legs for your table using your lathe. Ha ha ha ha. Just that simple. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Oh boy. Stay tuned and relax. Whatever this is, we've got a lot more. Welcome to "autobiography", where members of possum lodge talk about cars that have some significance to them. This week we have winston rothschild of rothschild sewage and septic sucking services. No tank too big, no tank too small. Teacup or cesspool, we suck 'em all. (audience laughing) (applause) are we there yet? Winston, maybe you could tell us about your first car. Great memory. She was an old ford. I'll never forget. Country squire ranch wagon. That's the one that had the real imitation-wood sides. (audience laughing) what a great car those fords were. The body, forget about it. Rusts right off. But the v-8 engine, go forever. You know, the new fords don't rust like the old ones. (audience laughing) sort of miss that, to be honest. Yeah. That wagon, that was a big unit. I ran my first business out of that wagon. I thought you just had the septic business. What were you doing then? That's what I'm talking about. Oh yeah. I mounted the pump in the passenger side where you are. Then I'd flip the back seat down, put a swimming pool liner in there. She'd hold 400 gallons. So you're carrying sewage in your car? Until I got enough money for the downpayment on the truck -- but I was motivated 'cause that was the hottest summer on record. Here's what I did. I would pop out the front windshield, and I'd stick my head out the side. And I'd go like a banshee, and the wind would knock all of that into the back. Although, I got to tell you, I still break out into a cold sweat every time I see a stop sign. (audience laughing) (playing bagpipes) oh! (audience laughing) (applause) (cheering) (cheering and whistling) yeah, yeah, yeah. Well... Well, we had our golf tournament at pete's park and putt mini golf. We carried on the proud possum lodge tradition of getting banned from everywhere we go. Yeah! (whimpering) I didn't know golf was a full-contact sport. It is, the way we play it. In fairness, the miniature golf thing confused some of the guys. We should have told them not to use drivers. Yeah, and their electric golf carts. Yeah. Those guys are the worst sports I've ever seen. Golf's a frustrating game. Especially that hole where you putt between the legs of snow white and the seven dwarfs. On his 9th try, stinky lost his temper and buried his pitching wedge in sneezy's forehead. Cleared his sinuses. Yeah. Anyway, we figured out that the problem with miniature golf is not the golf. It's the miniature. We're gonna start again with a new course, new equipment, and a brand-new game we call maxi golf. Maxi golf? Mini golf is out, maxi golf is in. Big holes, big clubs, big balls. (audience laughing) (siren) (siren stops) possum 911 -- what's your name and membership number? Uh, my name's dave. My number is 4-- oh, 5-6-7-9-2. We'll insert that into the possum lodge computer to verify your membership. Yeah. Oh, dave, you're behind in your dues, aren't you? Uh... It's in the mail. Sounds good to me -- what's your problem? I've got a real emergency happening here. We're looking to buy a new vehicle and she wants to buy -- oh, gosh -- a minivan. Ohhh, man! That's a tough one, dave. A minivan, red -- what am I gonna do? I really don't see the problem. I think they're sporty and sharp and fuel-efficient. I wish I had one! Yeah, see, red? I don't want to end up like harold. I'm with you, there, dave. A minivan may seem on the feminine side but you can dress 'em up. You can get the masculine accessories on that. That's true. Just be careful, you know? Don't get bad stuff, like those custom wheel covers. They're gaudy, they really are. Or those tacky mud-flaps with silhouettes of naked ladies. There's no respect for the feminine personages by doing that. Or people put those neon lights underneath the vehicle! What's goin' on there? That's a waste of energy. A waste of en-er-gy! If you're looking at the ground, you're not watching the road! They got these air-horns -- sound like they stole them off a diesel train or something. And those mufflers go... (imitating loud muffler) I think drummers are coming at me. I don't know what that's about. They got these mud-flaps and fender skirts and running boards. Running boards? I tried running. You can't get any speed. Keep running off the thing. And then you got those tailpipe extensions -- come on! Did you get all that? What was the last one? Tailpipe extensions. Yes, uh, thanks. I hope we can afford all this. (laughing and applause) (red): All right, it's glass-blowing time, "adventures with bill", here. Put the glass into the-- put the glass-- that's not glass. These are plastic items, bill. What's goin' on? I guess he decided to abandon the glass thing. He's gonna blow plastic. That's kind of unusual. All kinds of plastic-- wait, wait, wait, wait! All right, all right. Melt all the plastic together and make a big goopy-- ohhh! Make a big goopy thing, there. Golly, take a good-- wow! I'm telling you! Holy mackerel, that will set you back a couple of years. Holy jumpin'! Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy! It's cheaper than a case of beer. Up she comes -- what the heck we got there? Wow! He looks good with a pipe. Whoa! And there we go, and then, see, that is just a piece of copper piping. Gets a ball of the goop on the end. He swirls that so it seals up. Then he can blow it. I guess this is the modern version of glass blowing. You're blowing the plastic. Got all the carcinogens... Bill, I think that might be... Bill, think that might-- bill, I'm thinkin'-- bill! Bill, I'm thinkin'... I'm thinkin' see you later, bill. That's what I'm thinkin'. By golly, wouldn't that be eight feet across? It's gonna go-- no, no, no, no! (bill): Ohhhhhh! Ahhhhhh! Ohhhh! (red): Told you. There's bill, a veneer of his former self. Either that, or he's plastered. You ok, bill? Ahhhh! (red): Here's a pair of possum lodge binoculars sent to us by a viewer. We're ready to tee off for the first possum lodge maxi golf tournament. You want to be in my foursome, harold? Is that the trophy? Who would want that? It's not a trophy. That's our golf tee. (audience laughing) if that's the tee, how big is this maxi ball? Pretty darned maxi. You know that big brass ball they got painted like jupiter, over the entrance of the jupiter drive-in? It's not there any more. That thing's, like, six feet across. You'll need, like, holes 7 feet across, 10 feet deep. Where will you find 18 of those? The pot-holes on the road in to town. Oh, yeah, he's right. You could do that. What are you gonna use to hit 'em with? It's not a regular golf ball. It's like a... A planet! My big blue eight-iron, harold. The possum van. Ohhh! Big, blue, it's a v-8 and it's made of iron. And a huge sweet spot -- the whole front grille. Talk about driving the ball, eh, harold? (audience laughing) welcome to the expert portion, where we examine those three words that men find so difficult to say.... (audience): "I don't know!" neither do they! On this week's expert portion, we have guests. My uncle red, natch, and his best friend in the whole room, pilot buzz sherwood! (applause and cheering) ok. (cheering and whistling) this viewer writes, "dear experts, "I'm fed up with crime. "I'm thinking of moving to possum lake. "is there much crime where you are?" ahhh -- good question. There's no crime up here, unless borrowing something and never giving it back is called theft. (buzz): Well... Some of the wardrobe choices up here border on the criminal. (laughing) yeah, your outfit could get a ticket for littering. Yeah, well, yours would get one for... Loitering! (laughing) about this lady's question, though... Let's just say, ma'am, that nobody here would be on "america's most wanted". Maybe "america's most wasted". "america's"... Uh, "america's most" what? Wanted. "america's most wanted". You don't watch television, mr. Sherwood? Not since "the mod squad", man. (audience laughing) "america's most wanted", it's a television show. It shows unsolved crimes from 5, 10, even 20 years ago. Actors play the criminals, which isn't a stretch. 20 million bucks for "cable guy"? Please! They show suspects' pictures. They look like moose thompson's driver's licence photo. Looks like moose thompson's driver's licence photo. Robert stack's the host. He did "the untouchables" and nothing since. He says, "do you recognize this face? "does this person look familiar? "if so, phone in now." everybody at home goes, "my god, I know him!" "that guy's beside me at work." they phone and say, "robert stack? "the guy's here -- come and get him!" (audience laughing) (applause) that's "america's most wanted". You never seen that? What? What? What? What? What? (audience laughing) should we phone robert stack? (laughing) (whimpering) ahhhh! Excuse me, harold. Well, gotta tell ya, our game of maxi golf was a big, big hit. I got hit by the ball! Yeah, big, big hit. You shouldn't have been on the fairway. I was in the middle of the road! I was walking ahead of you guys. We were playing through, harold. This makes you look like a real golfer. You got a dog-leg left. You should have yelled "fore!" it was a chrysler -- I should have yelled "dodge!" (laughing) yeah, by golly. What a great game, boy! Yeah, yeah, yeah. (laughing) man, oh, man, the bunch of us, driving our cars, bashing into that ball. Junior singleton needs a front-end alignment. He whiffed on one shot, rolled his truck into the ravine. (laughing) talk about your bad lies. Wait till he tells his wife! (possum squeal) meeting time, uncle red. Squeal of the possum. Away you go, harold. Oh, boy. (audience laughing) well... (laughing and applause) (laughing) (applause) if my wife is watching, I'm coming straight home after the meeting. You've never been a big fan of golf, but I was hoping maybe later we could play "a round"... Unless you're teed off! The rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and mr. Niblick and the gang at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. (applause and cheering) (possum squeal) (all): Quando omni flunkus, moritati. (red): Sit down, guys. (harold): We got a flash bulletin today. Moose thompson's making some of his world-famous chili. If you know anyone who lives south of us, you might want to start sending out smoke signals, whatever you can think of. Save a life! To join possum lodge or to get possum lodge merchandise, call... Or check out harold's home page on the internet. Closed captions premier subtitling inc. Boy, this is too much!